KUNG FU PANDA
It’s the story about a lazy, irreverent slacker panda, named Po, who is the biggest fan of Kung Fu around…which doesn’t exactly come in handy while working every day in his family’s noodle shop. Unexpectedly chosen to fulfill an ancient prophecy, Po’s dreams become reality when he joins the world of Kung Fu and studies alongside his idols, the legendary Furious Five — Tigress, Crane, Mantis, Viper and Monkey — under the leadership of their guru, Master Shifu. But before they know it, the vengeful and treacherous snow leopard Tai Lung is headed their way, and it’s up to Po to defend everyone from the oncoming threat. Can he turn his dreams of becoming a Kung Fu master into reality? Po puts his heart – and his girth – into the task, and the unlikely hero ultimately finds that his greatest weaknesses turn out to be his greatest strengths.
Po: [serving a noodle bowl to a customer into which he accidentally pitched a throwing star] Careful, that soup is… sharp!
Po: There is no charge for awesomeness… or attractiveness.
Tai Lung: You… you’re just a big… fat… panda!
Po: I’m not a big fat panda. I’m *the* big fat panda.
Tai Lung: The Wuxi finger hold!
Po: Oh, you know this hold?
Tai Lung: You’re bluffing. You’re bluffing! Shifu didn’t teach you that.
Po: Nope. I figured it out. Skadoosh!
Oogway: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.
Po: Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung fu skills were the stuff of legend.
Po: It is said that his enemies would go blind from over-exposure to pure awesomeness!
Mr. Ping: We are noodle folk. Broth runs through our veins.
Tigress: It is said that the Dragon Warrior can go for months without eating, surviving on the dew of a single ginko leaf and the energy of the universe.
Po: Then I guess my body doesn’t know I’m the Dragon Warrior yet. It’s gonna take a lot more than dew, and, uh, universe juice.
Tigress: [seeing Po bounce down the palace steps] If he’s smart, he won’t come back up those steps.
Monkey: But he will.
Viper: He’s not gonna quit, is he?
Mantis: He’s not gonna quit bouncing, I’ll tell you that.
Tigress: One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew kung fu.
Crane: Yeah, or could at least touch his toes.
Monkey: Or even see his toes.
Po: The Furious Five! You look a lot bigger than your action figures! Except you, Mantis. You’re about the same.
Po: The Sword of Heroes! Said to be so sharp you can get cut just by looking at – Ow!
Viper: Are you ready?
Po: I was born read…
[Viper attacks, Po is flung and lands on his head]
Viper: I’m sorry, Brother! I thought you said you were ready.
Po: That was awesome! Let’s go again!
Shifu: Po, you’re alive… or we’re both dead.
Mantis: Sorry, it’s just hard to find the right nerve centers under all this…
Mantis: Fur. I was gonna say fur.
Po: Sure you were.
Tai Lung: But he’s a panda!
Tai Lung: You’re a panda!
Shifu: One must first master the highest level of kung fu, and that is clearly impossible if that one is someone like you.
Po: Someone like me?
Shifu: Yes! Look at you! This fat butt-
[he whacks Po on his butt]
Shifu: ..Flabby arms-
[he hits Po on his arm]
Po: Those are sensitive in the flabby parts…
Shifu: And this ridiculous belly!
Shifu: And your utter disregard for personal hygiene!
Po: Now wait a minute, that was a little uncalled for-
Shifu: Don’t stand that close, I can smell your breath.
Po: Listen, Oogway said that I was-
[Shifu grabs his finger and he gasps]
Po: The Wuxi finger hold? No no, the Wuxi finger hold!
Shifu: Oh-hoho, you know this hold?
Po: Developed by Master Wuxi in the 3rd dynasty, yes!
Shifu: Oh, then you must know what happens when I flex my pinkie?
Po: [gasps] No no no no!
Shifu: You know the hardest part of this? The hardest part is cleaning up afterwards.
Po: Okay.. Okay take it easy..
[Po falls to his knees]
Shifu: Now listen closely, panda. Oogway may have picked you, but when I’m through, I promise you, you’re going to wish he hadn’t! Are we clear?
Po: Oh, yeah! We’re clear, we’re clear, we’re so clear!
Shifu: I can’t wait to get started.
Oogway: [walking towards Po] Ah! I see that you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom!
Po: [Po turns around with a lot of peaches stuffed in his mouth] Oh! Is that what this is? I’m so sorry! I just thought it was a regular peach tree!
Zeng: [watching Tai-Lung break out of his prison restraints] We’re dead. So very, very dead.
Tai Lung: What are you going to do, big guy? Sit on me?
Po: Don’t tempt me.
Po: I just ate, so I’m still digesting, so my kung fu may not be as good as later on.
Shifu: Believe me, citizens, you have not seen anything yet!
Po: I know!
Shifu: [intercepting Po, who is fleeing the temple after learning he has to face Tai Lung soon.] You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits!
Po: Watch me!
[tries to run around Shifu]
Po: Come on! How am I supposed to beat Tai Lung? I can’t even beat you to the stairs!
Shifu: You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior!
[pokes Po in his stomach]
Po: You don’t believe that!
[Shifu swipes at his hand with Oogway’s stick]
Po: You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you’ve been trying to get rid of me!
[Shifu knocks him to the ground]
Shifu: Yes! I was! But now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine.
Po: You’re not my master. And I’m not the Dragon Warrior.
Shifu: Then why didn’t you quit? You knew I was trying to get rid of you, yet you stayed!
Po: Yeah, I stayed. I stayed because everytime you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled; it hurt, but it could never hurt more than everyday of my life just being me. I stayed because I thought if anyone can change me, can make me not me, it was you! The greatest kung fu teacher in all of China!
Shifu: I can change you! I can turn you into the Dragon Warrior! And I will!
Po: Come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now! And even if it takes him a hundred years to get here, how are *you* gonna change *this* into the Dragon Warrior? Huh? How? How? How!
Shifu: I don’t know!
Shifu: I don’t know.
Po: [sighs and frowns sadly] That’s what I thought.
Shifu: But who? Who is worthy to be trusted with the secret to limitless power? To become the Dragon Warrior?
Oogway: I don’t know.
Po: No! The Legendary Urn of Whispering Warriors; said to contain the souls of the entire Tenshu Army!
Po: [whispering to the urn] Hello?
Shifu: [from behind Po] Have you finished sight-seeing?
Po: [stunned, thinking the voice had come from the urn] Sorry, I should’ve come to see you first.
Shifu: My patience is wearing thin.
Po: Oh, well, I mean it’s not like you were going anywhere.
Shifu: Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior.
Tigress: The panda?
Shifu: Yes, the panda!
Tigress: Master, please!
[pushes chair out]
Tigress: Let us stop Tai Lung, this is what you’ve trained us for!
Shifu: No! It is not your destiny to defeat Tai Lung, it is his!
[points at Po, then realizes he’s not there]
Shifu: Where’d he go?
Oogway: One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.
Shifu: When you focus on kung fu, when you concentrate, you stink.
Shifu: But perhaps that is my fault. I cannot train you the way I have trained the Five. I now see that the way to get through to you is with this.
[pulls out a bowl of dumplings]
Po: Oh great, ’cause I am hungry!
Shifu: [laughs] Good. When you have been trained, you may eat. Let’s begin.
Tigress: Shifu loved Tai Lung like he had never loved anyone before… or since. And now, he has a chance to make things right. To train the true Dragon Warrior. And he’s stuck with you, a big, fat panda who treats it like a joke.
[Po makes a sudden funny face and Tigress gets angry and attempts to smack him]
Tigress: Oh that is it!
Mantis: Wait, my fault! I accidentally tweaked his facial nerve!
[Po falls to the ground revealing a lot of needles in his back]
Mantis: And may have also stopped his heart.
Po: [looking around at the historical artifacts in the palace] Wow! I’ve only seen paintings of that painting!
Tai Lung: I have come home, master.
Shifu: This is no longer your home and I am no longer your master.
Tai Lung: Oh yes. You have a new favorite. So where is this Po?
Tai Lung: Did I scare him off?
Shifu: This battle is between you and me.
Tai Lung: So, that is how it’s going to be.
Shifu: That is how it must be.
Tai Lung: [growls] I rotted in jail for 20 years because of *your* weakness!
Shifu: Obeying your master is not weakness!
Tai Lung: You knew I was the Dragon Warrior! You always knew! But when Oogway said otherwise, what did you do? What did you do? Nothing!
Shifu: You were not meant to be the Dragon Warrior, that was not my fault!
Tai Lung: Not your fault? Who filled my head with dreams? Who drove me to train until my bones cracked? Who did I feed my destiny!
Shifu: It was never my decision to make!
Tai Lung: [snarls and holds up Oogway’s stick] It is now.
Po: Maybe I should just quit and go back to selling noodles.
Oogway: Quit, don’t quit? Noodles, don’t noodles?
Po: [breathing heavily] I know you’re trying to be all mystical and Kung Fu-ey, but could you tell me where we’re going?
Po: [after being hit in the crotch] Oh! My tenders!
Po: [checking to make sure Shifu is okay after his fight with Tai Lung] Master! Shifu! Shifu, are you okay?
Shifu: [coughs] Po, you’re alive. Or we’re both dead.
Po: No, Master I didn’t die. I defeated Tai Lung.
Shifu: You did?
[Po nods and smiles]
Shifu: Wow. It is as Oogway foretold, you are the Dragon Warrior. You have brought peace to this valley and… and to me. Thank you, thank you Po. Thank you, thank you.
[slowly lays his head back down, assumingly dead]
Po: [Po looks disbelievingly at the red panda] No! No no no, don’t die, Shifu please!
Shifu: I’m not dying, you idiot!
[he catches himself]
Shifu: Ah, Dragon Warrior, I am simply at peace.
[lays down and folds his hands together, smiling]
Po: Ooh, so um, I should.. stop talking?
Shifu: If you can.
Shifu: [after having dragged Po up the mountain and said Panda is trying to cool down.] Panda, we do not wash our pits in the Pool of Sacred Tears.
Po: [quickly shakes his hand off] The Pool of-?
Shifu: This is where Oogway unraveled the mysteries of harmony and focus. This is the birth place of kung fu.
[Po is shocked, and it shows a glimpse of Oogway before Shifu jumps up to a giant rock]
Shifu: Do you want to learn kung fu?
Shifu: Then I *am* your master!
Shifu: Don’t cry.
[wipes his nose and smiles]
Po: [standing before a training dummy] Hey, what you got? You got nothing because I got it right here. You picking on my friends? Get ready to feel the thunder. Come out with the crazy feet. What you goin’ to do about the crazy feet. I’m a blur! I’m a blur! You never seen *Bear* style!
Monkey: [after the Furious Five bowed to Po in his dream] We should hang out.
Mr. Ping: The secret ingredient is … nothing!
Mr. Ping: You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient.
Po: Wait, wait … it’s just plain old noodle soup? You don’t add some kind of special sauce or something?
Mr. Ping: Don’t have to. To make something special you just have to believe it’s special.
Po: There is no secret ingredient …
Mr. Ping: [after Po told him he had dream about noodle] This is a sign, Po!
Po: Uh, a sign of what?
Mr. Ping: You are almost ready to be entrusted with the secret ingredient of my secret ingredient soup. And then you will fulfill your destiny and take over the restaurant just as I took it over from my father who took it over from his father who won it from a friend in a game of mahjong.